i really need to see people. i hate feeling lonely. my life has become so busy and i can't seem to find the time to get on top of being social. it drives me insane, seeing the same people all the time (i.e. my family...as much as i love them it's like...no...). i do have friends at uni so it's not like i'm some crazily hectic loner but i just miss so many people and i feel like i'm growing apart from them and as much as i know that it's inevitable eventually it just makes me feel so crappy. i hardly ever talk to my school friends anymore, it's like we never even existed together, and i'm really missing them like crazy. it would be so nice just to get away and make friends who can't speak english so you don't have to talk, all you can do is hug and smile at each other.
i want things to get better. i have been sick for the last couple of days and it has been hell. i hate staying home, not just because it's boring but because i feel so unproductive it's not funny. plus it doesn't help that my throat is on fire 24/7. i missed uni on friday, my history lecture and tute, and it was seriously the crappiest thing ever, because i love history.
i really miss my mum at the moment. she just started full time work again after 18 yrs and it's been so crazy. she leaves home about 6:30 am and doesn't come back till 6pm. it's just sad not having her at home or spending so much time with her, it's sort of like i've lost a close friend. a lot of the time during the week i am alone at home, i have two days off during each week, and it is so lonely. i've started doing heaps of housework to help out which i don't really mind about but it's like noooooo don't leave! but it makes her happy and for that i am happy too.
i really need to read 'mrs. dalloway' by virginia woolf for tomorrow's english lit lecture but i am so not motivated. not that i hate virginia woolf or anything, i've never read her so i can't actually have an opinion on that, but i started reading the book and even though it's short i died after eleven pages because it was really something i wasn't expecting. and my lecturer (who is so small and nice and too polite to say that anyone is wrong) was like 'yeah it's really complex, read it in one sitting'. which is like climbing mt. everest for me (or sailing around the world, a.k.a. doing a jessica watson). it's like impossible. i have to start reading and then stop for a bit to read the five other books i have going at the same time. that's how i roll. right now i'm on three so it's not that bad yet.
my sister's birthday is on friday, not-so-sweet-17. i can't wait. i love her so much! plus i am making her something awesome (which i am yet to start) and i can't wait for her to see them.
sometimes i really regret my choices, and i know that's the worst thing to do but occasionally i find myself feeling bad about what i've decided, like:
having operations...sometimes i wonder what it would have been like to just live with myself. i often wish i could have waited a couple of years more, because at least then i would have had some sort of a memory and some idea as to whether i wanted to change. i had my first operation at seven and i guess even though my parents would have asked me what i wanted maybe i didn't know what was going on at the time.
choosing a BA...i guess cos of the whole 'it's pointless' thing, because it's so broad. i don't even know if i want to teach any more. i don't know what i want to do. i hate it. even though i really like the units i'm doing i have no idea what exactly i want to do with my life...and the only real thing i can do is teaching. everyone else seems to be so sure of themselves and here i am going 'doodeedoo hmmm maybe i'll do this, maybe i'll do that' and it sucks like crazy because i need some certainty here.
so yeah, that's my life at the moment, for whoever reads this.
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